Well, saying "I suck" might be a bit too harsh. I've only been at it daily for about 2 months now and I have gotten better at it, but it's certainly not something that comes easily to me. My mind is constantly chattering away about what I have to do, who I have to call, what I'm feeling anxious about today, the kids, what's for dinner, etc...". It's very hard for me just to sit and "be".
When I first started meditating I felt a tightness in my chest and a shortness of breath. Not relaxing! I hoped if I continued my practice that eventually this would subside. Thankfully, it did, but I'm not as far along with it as I had hoped.
I guess I have to cut myself a little slack as a Mom because my meditation is sometimes interrupted by a cute 13 month old, or a cute 3 year old- and many times, both at once. Frequently after I'm interrupted I'll say to myself "I'll just meditate again later," but that almost never happens. It's hard enough to find the 10-20 minutes a day that I do dedicate to it.
I'm also conflicted about the details of my meditation. Should I sit back in a chair or sit cross-legged with a straight back? I flip-flop between the two. Sometimes I find it hard to maintain good posture for my entire meditation session. It's not always easy to sit up straight for that long. I used to sit back on some pillows until I read that your spine needs to be straight for optimal energy movement throughout the body while meditating. Okay. Let's give that a shot.
Another conflict I have is whether to choose silent or guided meditation? I can punch up a guided meditation on my computer and really get lost in it and relax. I love those things! But... I feel like "true" meditation is done in silence, like monks and gurus have done for thousands of years.
I'm waiting for an "aha" moment in my meditation. I'm waiting for a conversation with God or a certain feeling or vision or something that lets me know that I am connecting to something greater than myself. I'm afraid if I'm listening to someone else talking me through my meditation I'll miss my message from God.
Some meditation teachers say to count, others say to repeat a mantra, some say to breathe a certain way while others stress not adjusting your normal breathing at all. It's all very conflicting and confusing.
From what I can gather it seems like the best thing to do is just to find the best way for you and practice, practice, practice AND don't forget to stay open to new ideas. Like just today for example, I found an article on meditation that stated "the only thing you should do differently with your breath is notice how it feels cold on the way in and warm on the way out. That really worked for me! I found it much easier to relax while concentrating on the temperature of my breath.
So, I'm getting better. I guess I don't "suck" at meditation as much as I used to. I'm still finding my way in my own practice though and learning what works for me.
I wish you peace in your own practice and hope you find the right path for you! Namaste.